Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Slow recovery

It's been a long road back to trust and comfort since I had Spice spend the night at Saint Aunt's last Monday. The reality is it probably wouldn't have been so bad except I got greedy. I should have been there first thing in the morning on Tuesday. But I had to work. At the very least I should have finished up and gotten there kind of early. But I waited for the Bull to get home from work and drive me, so it was late - like 7:30pm before I got to her.

Then, to make matters that much worse, I took Sugar to the movies the next night. I should have just taken Spice with me. I can see that now. But I was SO focused on being able to spend time alone with Sugar that I couldn't see anything else.

One of the things that is the hardest for me with having two kids is that I feel like I get SO little alone time with my first born. It's really difficult to schedule time with her. And getting that time on just a casual, everyday basis is almost impossible.

I get frustrated, frequently, because the Bull just doesn't seem to get certain things (Yeah, I'm annoyed with him this week, so expect something negative about him to show up in most of my posts. Hopefully when I'm feeling good about him, I will balance this with nice things to say about him.) One of the things he doesn't get is that I need time alone with Sugar. Another thing that he doesn't get is that I could occasionally use the freedom of handling one kid at a time - just like him.

Somehow it seems that if he's taking Sugar to something it is just expected that I will handle Spice. Unless I am completely unavailable or specifically ask him to take both girls - he doesn't even think about it. He really thinks he's doing something monumental just by doing whatever with Sugar. He thinks that taking Spice along as well is going above and the call of duty. And yet he thinks it is just my...my...I don't know what, duty? privilege? lot in life? Maybe all three - in any event he thinks that I should take care of both girls on my own the majority of the time and that I shouldn't complain about not having time alone with Sugar (let's not even talk about time to myself).

Hmm this really is turning into a vent about the Bull and that's not what I want. But it's some background on why I was so desperate to just go out and do something fun alone with Sugar. So I left Spice with my father - Grandpa to the girls - and Saint Aunt while Sugar and I went to see the latest Harry Potter. And Spice fussed about it - alot.

The next day was one of the hardest days I've ever had with her. She wouldn't let me put her down all day. She absolutely did not trust that I wouldn't leave her, and so to insure that I would stay with her, she decided to keep herself in constant physical contact.

Now, I don't think that the parenting choices I make can be easily categorized, but if I had to put a label on it, I would say that attachment parenting comes the closest to what I do. I breastfeed and cosleep and carry my babies around in various kinds of carriers, amongst other things. Most importantly, I believe that independence is something that develops naturally and doesn't need to be taught or forced. I think

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