Friday, July 20, 2007

July 19, 2005

The day Spice was born. She was 13 days late and I had to be induced, which meant that my fantasies of an unmedicated birth in the birthing center at SLR went out the window. For a long while I mourned the loss of that ideal birthing experience. But, ultimately, my memories of that long day and night preceding Spice's birth are pale in comparison to my memory of my first look into her face. She was so alert, so aware and yet so quiet and peaceful when she looked up into my face. Her eyes are what I remember most, dark and warm and beautiful and deep as though they had seen things I wouldn't even understand. As though she knew me.

And sometimes, still I think she knows me better than I know her, that she knows the world much better than I do as well. She has that knowing look.

I do know one thing. Everything I thought I knew about love and about children and about myself went out the window when Spice came into the world.

My baby girl challenges me. She shows me things I never even thought about before. She humbles me. She teaches me.

My life is better simply because she exists.

This morning when she woke up I was at my desk. She came and climbed in my lap. I held her little warm body close, remembering holding her as tightly and with as much emotion two years earlier. I whispered to her, as I whispered to her then, all my hopes for her to grow strong and powerful and happy, to always enjoy herself and love herself and have the courage to follow her dreams.


professor said...

Happy birthday are truly your own person...

The Bear Maiden said...

I saw you the day before, and I remembered afterwards but I'm sorry I didn't get to say it: Happy Birthday! "Auntie" was a little caught up in her own mess... but I hope you had a great day! And are you pushing that trike, yet?