Coming Back

Coming back to my life, coming back to my blog, coming back to my kids, coming back to ME.

I've been away a long, long, long time. Longer than I thought, longer than the recent drama that almost crushed me has been going on.

I tried to come back to myself about a year ago. I was on that road, though I didn't realize it at the time, and then I got derailed and rolled down a path that was SO detrimental to me it almost destroyed me - from the inside out. I've been in a fog for way too long, and then suddenly the cloud started to lift, I began to see clearly, and now I'm almost grateful for the pain and drama I went through because without it I might have stayed in the haze I had started to grow accustomed to. I lost friends along the way, and that hurts, but in time I think I will see that it was necessary.

One of the things I need to do, once I'm healed a little, and have better perspective, is to look at who I form relationships with and why. I have the feeling, that in all my relationships, I tend to replay some old scenarios and I choose people who can fit into the parts my parents played when I was growing up. I want to stop doing that, to make better choices, to expect better of myself and of the people I choose to deal with. I've already started doing that a little. Started to set boundaries for my own behavior and for the ways I will accept being treated by others. It's new for me. It's uncomfortable and awkward and sometimes I want to throw it all out the window. In some ways it goes against long-held beliefs, but it's time for me to change some things about my life, to demand a better life - so that's what I'm doing.

There's a lot of mess to clean up around here, both literally and figuratively - but I'm up to the task. For the first time in...well, maybe in forever, I actually am beginning to believe and feel what I've known in my head - I am a strong, smart, talented, beautiful woman who deserves and is worthy of kindness and love and respect and a really good life.

It won't be easy getting all that. But I've made the first step in believing I should have it. I really believe that you attract to you what you think about, what you focus on. It's why I think that bad karma finds it's way to me so quickly, while good karma seems to rarely come way. It's because I am so willing to believe that I deserve for bad things to happen to me when I've done wrong and yet I never really think the good I do is worthy of reward. Not that I will ever be there for and accept and help others for the sake of being rewarded - but don't I at least deserve to believe that I am as worthy as those who I care for? I'll answer that for myself - YES!

I've had a lot of endings recently. Now it's time for some beginnings. Good beginnings. I'm starting a brand new relationship with myself and I believe it's going to be the best friendship I've ever had.