Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Coming Back

Coming back to my life, coming back to my blog, coming back to my kids, coming back to ME.

I've been away a long, long, long time. Longer than I thought, longer than the recent drama that almost crushed me has been going on.

I tried to come back to myself about a year ago. I was on that road, though I didn't realize it at the time, and then I got derailed and rolled down a path that was SO detrimental to me it almost destroyed me - from the inside out. I've been in a fog for way too long, and then suddenly the cloud started to lift, I began to see clearly, and now I'm almost grateful for the pain and drama I went through because without it I might have stayed in the haze I had started to grow accustomed to. I lost friends along the way, and that hurts, but in time I think I will see that it was necessary.

One of the things I need to do, once I'm healed a little, and have better perspective, is to look at who I form relationships with and why. I have the feeling, that in all my relationships, I tend to replay some old scenarios and I choose people who can fit into the parts my parents played when I was growing up. I want to stop doing that, to make better choices, to expect better of myself and of the people I choose to deal with. I've already started doing that a little. Started to set boundaries for my own behavior and for the ways I will accept being treated by others. It's new for me. It's uncomfortable and awkward and sometimes I want to throw it all out the window. In some ways it goes against long-held beliefs, but it's time for me to change some things about my life, to demand a better life - so that's what I'm doing.

There's a lot of mess to clean up around here, both literally and figuratively - but I'm up to the task. For the first time in...well, maybe in forever, I actually am beginning to believe and feel what I've known in my head - I am a strong, smart, talented, beautiful woman who deserves and is worthy of kindness and love and respect and a really good life.

It won't be easy getting all that. But I've made the first step in believing I should have it. I really believe that you attract to you what you think about, what you focus on. It's why I think that bad karma finds it's way to me so quickly, while good karma seems to rarely come way. It's because I am so willing to believe that I deserve for bad things to happen to me when I've done wrong and yet I never really think the good I do is worthy of reward. Not that I will ever be there for and accept and help others for the sake of being rewarded - but don't I at least deserve to believe that I am as worthy as those who I care for? I'll answer that for myself - YES!

I've had a lot of endings recently. Now it's time for some beginnings. Good beginnings. I'm starting a brand new relationship with myself and I believe it's going to be the best friendship I've ever had.

1 comment:

Hope Perlman, aka Ms.Hap said...

I wrote a novel based on a character who lacked insight into herself and therefore repeated her neuroses in her relationships. I think it's a standard tenet of psychology that people recreate their problems and try to work them out via their actual relationships. And of course, if you don't manage to gain some insight, you just have to move on and recreate the mess again.

Sounds like you and i are in a similar space. Glad I found your blog!!