Thursday, June 10, 2010

Just Not Here

I don't know where I am these days, but I'm not here. Not in this place where I'm living and doing things. And it's starting to show. Things are falling apart, regularly.

My computer died. One of my hard drives died - of course it's the one with all my pictures and music on it. Pictures that can never be replaced. Why the hell is data recovery so expensive?

My apartment is practically unlivable...and yet I am actually trying to raise my children in this place. But what kind of job am I really doing with them. Sometimes I feel like I am doing the bare minimum...not even...I need to do better.

I have no job. Unemployment has run out. And I'm not doing anything about it.

I'm living with a man I no longer love...don't even like on many days. I want to be in a position to move out, move on because I know when I can do that I will be able to like him again. But right now every time I look at him I'm reminded of what a mistake it was to fall in love with him.

It seems that I've picked up every bad habit I kicked.

I need to find focus again...but everything is fuzzy. I am so overwhelmed by the mess my life is in that I don't know how to grab hold and start fixing things.

I just sit here and try to figure out what to do, then I get stressed and go do something I shouldn't so I don't have to think about it.

I'm just not here. I'm off somewhere in my head. I spend a lot of time thinking about all kinds of things. None of them productive.

Yesterday I spent hours thinking about Saint Aunt and her health care. I obsessed on every little decision that was made that went wrong. I worked myself up into this insane frenzy of guilt and could think of little else.

It's like there are two separate people living in my head who are constantly fighting. One is the practical, reasonable, logical person. The other is purely emotional and instinctive. And unfortunately, the emotional one often takes over and can't be controlled. No matter how much I told myself that guilt is a worthless emotion and that we made the decisions we did with the information we had at the time, that emotional bitch insisted that I feel bad about the whole thing. I just couldn't let it go.

And then...well...there are other emotions raging in me these days that I don't want, don't want to deal with, would like to have disappear. But just like the guilt about Saint Aunt, one side of me wants to obsess and wallow rather than just turning my back on feelings that will never do me any good.

I need control of my life back. I need the logical side of me to hit the emotional bitch up side the head and knock her out for a while.

I need to just buckle down and do all the things that need to get done.

Why is that so hard?

Sometimes I feel like if I could just do one practical thing. Force myself to focus just for a little while, I could get on a roll. But I never seem to.

Oh, have I mentioned that I've messed up Sugar's schedules SO badly. She's missed so many classes and events that she shouldn't have...didn't need to. Now there's a HUGE conflict that I don't know how to resolve that could result in her having to give up one of the two activities that she loves the most.

I don't know how to reconcile all of this.

It seems that my whole life is made up of choices, decisions that I can't make. There's never a clear path. And that just makes me want sit down and not move anywhere.

Dig that hole a little deeper. It'll be big enough to be a grave if I don't climb out soon.

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