So Long, Farewell

This year seems to be one filled with goodbyes for me.  First I lost Saint Aunt in January. That was the hardest goodbye of all.  It was one I didn’t want, one I would have done anything in my power to prevent.  It’s the one I think I will struggle with for the rest of my life.  I will always wonder if I could have done more, and I will always, always, always feel an emptiness in my life because she’s no longer here.

The other goodbyes have been more by choice, though certainly, many of them I did not feel like I was choosing at the time.  I felt the partings were forced on me, that I had no choice but to say goodbye.

I wonder how much of these endings is choice, though.  I wonder how it is when you could keep someone in your life, but know that their place there really isn’t a good fit.  Is it better to say goodbye even when it’s easier, simpler, and less exscrutiatingly painful to maintain a relationship that is lacking.

I also have to wonder, when it comes down to it, why it is that I have allowed myself to get involved in so many relationships in my life that are lacking.  Is it because my first relationships, the ones I didn’t choose, the ones with my parents were missing so many things I needed?  Do I even know, or understand on any level what it means to have a fulfilling relationship with another person?

When I look back over the course of my life and all the relationships I’ve had, with friends, with men, with family, it seems that they have all been missing some vital elements I needed.  I wonder if that is why I have maintained so few relationships over the years.  Certainly, I know that I have not been perfect. I have made mistakes, I have hurt people I cared about.  I haven’t always been there in every way I could, or maybe not even in every way the other person needed me.  Is it even possible to have a complete relationship?  Is it possible for anyone to be there for another in all the ways they need them to be?

Lots of questions, and I don’t know if there are any real answers.

I’ve recently come to understand that many people, certainly not all - some? most? - approach relationships with their needs in mind.  From the very beginning, they look to have their needs met in the interactions they have with people.  Where they can, they arrange circumstances so that those needs are met, where they can’t they walk away before they are invested.

I think this is what all those, “games” and “rules” in romantic relationships are really all about.  They are a way to set a standard, to create a bargaining situation that makes both parties understand that there are mutual needs that must be met in order for the relationship to succeed.  Women who don’t play the game, who don’t establish their needs as a priority tend to get taken advantage of emotionally.  Men who don’t establish their needs tend to get taken advantage of financially.  Those who refuse to acknowledge the rules or insist on playing outside of them, tend to wind up in shallow or continually failed relationships.

Does that mean the games and rules must be followed in order to have successful, mutually satisfying relationships?  Certainly, Steve Harvey, or those women who wrote The Rules back in the day, sold a lot of books by adhering to the ideal they’re necessary.

But I’m not so sure.  And part of the reason I’m not certain of the validity of this approach is that I think that establishing and being true to one’s needs is not something that is only necessary in romantic relationships.  I think it crosses over into friendships and familial relationships as well. Certainly,I have struggled with this in every relationship I’ve had - even my interactions with my children.

How do I devote myself to caring for and honoring the people important to me while making my own needs a priority, both to myself and to them?

Again, I have questions, but no real answers. I look at the interactions I’ve had with people and it seems that others seem to do this seamlessly, naturally.  They do what they need to do, they take care of themselves when they need to, or let me take care of them when I can and will.  When their needs conflict with my own, they seem to not be phased by taking care of themselves without regard to me.

For a minute I thought I could try this approach, but it always seems to backfire on me.  When I have put my needs first, when I have disregarded the needs of someone I care about in order to take care of my own, I have found myself at horrible odds with the other person.  Their hurt and anger at this has been extreme to me, and my own guilt at neglecting a loved one is overwhelming.  So what to do?

This year, I have taken the approach of simply walking away. Of saying goodbye.  There seems to be no other way for me.  An unfulfilled life suddenly seems immensely more painful, more damaging to me than a lonely one.  Maybe it’s time for me to take care of all my own needs, as much as I can, rather than looking to others for a way to mutually share in the fulfillment of each others needs.

Of course it’s difficult to do this, and immensely painful.  I have said goodbye to friends and lovers and quietly, almost unnoticeably, to family.  I have cut back on some relationships, ended others and even am hesitating to start one or two that don’t look promising.

In fact, I am wondering if I should allow any new connections with people at this point in my life.  I clearly see that I am lacking in the ability to find the kind balance that would make relationships work, so perhaps it is better to spare myself the pain of reliving past mistakes with new people.
And yet, I am drawn to people…so how do I honor that particular need in myself without falling into the same old traps.  Yet another question with no answer.

I guess I’ll just have to keep asking, keep thinking and hope that someday I find a solution that’s better than saying goodbye all the time.