Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Moving Right Along

It's amazing how when you make up your mind to do something, it suddenly becomes easier to do than you ever thought.

I decided it was time for me to change my approach to life and I heard it when someone said to me that it is indeed possible to just be me and not worry about what other people think. I mean - people have said that to me before, but somehow not in the way I needed to hear it - not in a way that made sense to me. But this time it must have come at the right time and been said in the right way because it clicked.

Suddenly the possibility of being just me, saying what I think, doing what I want to do and not worrying about what other people thought just opened up a whole world to me. It's like when I got my first car and suddenly realized I could go anywhere - that I didn't have to be limited by other people's schedules, that I could just pick up and go.

I remember I drove 4 hours to go visit friends from college, and when I got bored the next morning and missed being home, I just got in my car and turned around and went back home - simple as that. I was giddy with the freedom.

I feel just like that now. I feel for the first time in my life like I can be honest with people without fear. That I can be completely open about who I am and what I think. I think this kind of freedom can be a little dangerous, I'm going to have to be careful to use it wisely.

Things with the Bull haven't been good for a long while now. I think a big blow out we had in Fall 2008 changed things for me. Something in my head and heart shifted for him during that time. A bad shift. Ever since then I've been working my way out of the relationship.

Saturday night - really early Sunday morning - he did something that upset me horribly. Worse, when I tried to talk to him about it later, he brushed it off, dismissed it and me and refused to discuss beyond saying it would never happen again. In some ways the dismissal hurt and alienated me worse than the initial act. Whatever connection to him that was left was shredded in that moment. What's left are some weak and frayed threads - nothing a strong wind couldn't blow away.

Interestingly, I didn't cry or become distraught over this. I didn't start a fight with him. Didn't push him to talk. I simply got quiet and went about my business. A few hours later I calmly told him that I was done with him. That his inability to think outside of himself, his constant treatment of everyone in our household as an annoyance and inconvenience had caused him to lose me - and that if he isn't careful, it will cause him to lose his children as well. That the girls already are distanced from him and that they will eventually reject him altogether if he doesn't change his ways.

Again, I was calm. I didn't cry, didn't scream, I just told him what I had to say clearly. It felt odd. But, it also felt right. I had never spoken to him quite like this before, maybe had not ever spoken to my mind to someone so openly. It felt good. It felt right. I didn't worry about whether I was saying the right thing or how he would react to it or if I was using the right words, or the other thousand and one limitations and restrictions I put on what I say. I just said what was on my mind. And then I left. I had someplace to be and didn't have time to stand around and find out what he felt about what I said. And I haven't worried about it since then.

Normally, I would turn a conversation like that over and over in my head, wondering if I had been clear, worried about what he thought, needing to bring it up again to get his take on it, and on and on. But not this time.

Similarly, I had a conversation with the Boss. Same thing - I was straight forward and spoke my mind. This conversation was actually a little more heated because he wanted more from me in the conversation - was arguing with me. However, I actually cut through the argument at one point - letting him know what I really cared about was the bottom line - not the back and forth we were doing.

Again, I never would have done this in the past. I've put up with crap from him again and again without standing up for myself. Just worked out passive aggressive ways of getting what I needed without having to face him. But not this time. This time I just said exactly what I wanted to - flat out.

And like with the Bull, I don't really care what he thinks of me for saying it. It is what it is. Either he can handle it or he can't. If he can't, I won't be working with him anymore, and at this point, I'm fine with that - even though I'm broke and need work. But the reality is he won't be providing much work or paying well enough for it anyway.

I'm through taking crap from people. I'm just through. I don't mind being nice to people. In fact I like being nice, I prefer being nice. I don't like to argue, I would rather not go through changes. The reality is that I understand that people often, most often are fighting with themselves, dealing with their own shit when they do things to you. So I've always tended to just things go. But I realize to that I was afraid to make waves - afraid of not being liked. I needed the approval of...well of everybody.

Right now I don't feel like I need anybody's approval. Really. I need my own approval and that's it. If I'm ok with what I do or say, if I feel good about it, that's what counts.

I have a feeling that this is going to mean a lot of changes in my life. Some are likely to be painful, but I think in the end they will be for the best. I will be more true to myself than I've ever been - and the people around me will be those who love and feel good about the real me.

1 comment:

professor said...

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! I remember getting to that point and yes, it FEELS GOOD!!!!