Sunday, November 22, 2009

Knowing myself

I was out of control last week.

I was emotional, impulsive, quick to temper and just generally off the hook for about 5 days.

I kind of knew why I felt and acted the way I did...but I couldn't seem to reign it all in. I flew around all week blustering my way through the world. It was rough on me and I think it was kind of rough on everyone who had to deal with me. Even the Bull, who generally keeps his mouth shut and his head down made a comment about not wanting to say anything to me because he feared being snapped at.

I burst into tears more times than I can count. And, frankly, I've never been so horny in my whole life - and had absolutely no acceptable outlet for it - so that made me even more crazy than I was inclined to be already.

The stress of dealing with Saint Aunt's health issues, and with all the family I have to deal with about Saint Aunt's health is taking it's toll on me. I just broke down this week. I stayed away from the hospital for two days partially because I had other things that HAD to be done - but mostly because I just couldn't handle the strain of being there.

I couldn't handle one more day watching her struggle for words that won't come to her lips or her hands. I couldn't handle one more day trying to figure out which doctor to speak with. I couldn't handle one more day of seeing tubes and charts and monitors. Not one more day of having everyone look to me asking, "What's going on," and having no clue and no idea how to make the doctors give me a clue. So I bailed out for two days.

And I should have felt better after taking some time, but I didn't. I just felt like I wanted more time. I just want her better. NOW! I don't want to go through months and months of ups and downs. I want her to wake up tomorrow and remember how to talk. I want her to start moving her arms and legs and jump into physical therapy and be walking by Christmas. I want her to be the Aunt I've known and loved my whole life again NOW!!!!

The driving back and forth is wearing me down. The sadness is wearing me down. The struggling with doctors to get info is wearing me down. The long, late night conversations trying to explain what's going on, or defend doctor's decisions is wearing me down. The trying to figure out what more I could be doing to make sure she's getting the best care, when I really have no idea is wearing me down. Trying to look for middle schools and cart Sugar around to her activities is wearing me down. Struggling with having no money is wearing me down. Everything is wearing me down.

And all my efforts to replenish are thwarted. I just can't seem to catch a break.

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