Cat's in the Cradle

A child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking before I knew it and as he grew
He said, "I'm gonna be like you, Dad,
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin home, Dad, I don't know when,
But we'll get together then,
You know we'll have a good time then.

My son turned ten just the other day
He said "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on lets play
Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today,
I got a lot to do" He said "that's okay"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm going to be like him"

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin home, Dad, I don't know when,
But we'll get together then,
You know we'll have a good time then.

Well he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say,
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile

"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin home, Son, I don't know when,
But we'll get together then, Dad
You know we'll have a good time then.

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said "Id like to see you if you don't mind"
He said "Id love to Dad, if I could find the time.
You see my new jobs a hassle, and the kids have the flu.
But It's sure nice talking to you, Dad,
It's been sure nice talking to you........"
And as I hung up the phone it had occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me,
My boy was just like me..............

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin home, Son, I don't know when,
But we'll get together then, Dad
We're gonna have a good time then.

- Cat Stevens

I was listening to this song just yesterday (I've always loved Cat Stevens - yes, I'm a hippy at heart) and I had a thought about it I'd never had before.

I realized that the son actually hasn't turned out like his father. And that the father hasn't grown.

In the end, when the son doesn't have time to visit with his father, one of the reasons he gives is that he has to BE THERE FOR HIS OWN CHILDREN. The son has learned from his father's mistakes. He's going to be there for his kids. And the father, who has always thought of himself first, continues in his narcissism by having the expectation that his son would forsake his own kids in favor of the father who never had time for him.

My whole life, whenever I heard this song, I always felt really bad for the father in the end, and sad that the son hadn't turned out to be better than his dad. But suddenly, yesterday, I realized that I had no sympathy for the father and I was proud of the son.

It got me thinking about my friend, the BearMaiden, and the rest of the Bear Clan. They have all rallied around their patriarch as he has undergone health issues. And the love and devotion and sheer connection that exists amongst all of them is something that really just has to make your heart swell. So few families have this kind of closeness and love. And I have realized that PapaBear has to be an even more amazing man than I already knew. That the only way a person gains this kind of love and support and devotion and caring is by giving love and support and devotion and caring in return.

And then, I live the flip side. My relationship with my mother is more along the lines of the Cat Stevens song. My mother has lived a life in which she has always placed herself, her wants, desires, idiosyncracies, comforts and perspectives before all else - even her child. I don't feel much like going into detail, but I will only say that often while growing up - there were basic necessities I had to do without which my mother had in abundance.

So this morning I got a phone call - my mother is in the hospital. I still don't understand exactly what's wrong. Apparently she got sick and didn't go to the doctor right away and it just kept getting worse. Now she's in intensive care with low blood pressure, anemia and dehydration. The doctor says she's stable but he's having a gastro-enterologist examine her and there's a kidney specialist who, according to my mother, says her kidneys are "shot."

And I'm sitting here, 3000 miles away, thinking "I hope I don't have to go out there." And somehow that seems wrong. But it's the reality of our relationship. I feel an obligation to be there for her - but no desire, no will to do so. And, like the son, in the Cat Steven's song - I am more concerned with how my children need me here than how my mother needs me there.

I don't know if there's any point to this. But I just needed to get it out. I guess the point is that I suppose some would say that by not wanting to be there for my mother, I've grown up to be just like her - which is the one thing I don't want to be. But, from my perspective, I'm not like her because my children mean so much more to me that I ever meant to her.