Saturday, October 11, 2008

Stepping Out

It's been more than a month since I've posted here ---ok, more than 2 months. All along I've assumed that I'd get back to it because I saw blogging as an opportunity to clear my head and deal with issues that I definitely need to deal with. But, not for the first time, I've come to understand that my online activity actually gets in the way of my life rather than enhancing it.

I escape into the computer. I use the computer to distract me from the things I should be facing. As a way to take the edge off of what's happening in my life without actually facing it. It's easier to hide in the computer and pretend I'm delving into my thoughts and feelings - than it is to really face the stuff in my life that isn't working.

But, I've done this for too long. I've distracted myself from the things that are really important for years now - and I'm running out of time to make my life better. So it's time to strip away the distractions and face my world and myself.

So, effective immediately, I'm putting this blog to rest. I won't delete it, or my other blog, but I won't post on them either. I also won't be reading blogs anymore. If it's easy for me to get distracted by writing about my own life - it's beyond tempting to lose myself in reading about the trials and tribulations of others.

Some of the things I will be tackling in my absence from the online world are taking care of myself, getting my home clean and in order, going back to school, looking for work that doesn't make me feel like I'm compromising myself, spending real time with my kids, and seeing if there's anything left to my relationship with the Bull.

That's a lot of stuff and the number one priority is taking care of me. My whole life I've put EVERYONE else first. I've always thought I was being giving or caring or loving or just plain considerate. But the reality is I was being neglectful of myself. I was raised to believe that my needs were second to my mother's wants. And I translated this later in life to believe that my needs and wants should always come last. Now, I've finally realized that I deserve to put myself first and that's what I'm moving towards. It's not easy for me. But its essential and it's my main focus moving forward.

I want to thank all of you who have come back to check this space even when long periods of time have passed without a word from me. I appreciate your comments and ideas and will miss contemplating life with you.

I hope that someday I can come back to blogging. It's something I really do enjoy. Hopefully there will be a day when I've managed to get my life in order and blogging can be something I do for fun that doesn't detract from my everyday life.

Thanks for all the words and the thoughts.

1 comment:

Doulala said...

I'll miss your writing but I understand completely!
Hugs to you.