Saturday, June 28, 2008

Life Sucks

Not for everyone. Some people just seem to coast through life always making the right choices, always being in the right place at the right time with the right person. Some people just know happiness and love and confidence and things are good. Apparently there's no rhyme or reason to who gets the good life and who's life is just plain old shitty. For some that's just the way it is - good. They don't have to work at it, or teach themselves positive thinking or any of that stuff. They just have it good.

And then there are those of us who never seem to have it good. Oh, we have good moments, but we better enjoy those to the fullest because, sure as the sun will rise in the morning, there's going to be some crap hitting us upside the head before the good stuff is even fully done.

When I was a little kid - I mean really young - 5 and under, I used to have these moments, right before I was fully awake, when I was still lying in bed with my eyes closed, when I could remember where I was before I was born. I remember that it was a place that I loved. Someplace I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to come into this life. I always had this feeling that this life was something I had been talked into - not something I wanted to do. And I would wake up remembering that. Remembering the place I hadn't wanted to leave and I was annoyed that I was here, in this body, in this life. I think I knew then that this was not going to be an easy, enjoyable life. Boy was I right.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I know compared to a lot of people in the world I have it good. I know so many of the ways it could be worse. I just wish that I could have some goodness. Some real, lasting happiness. Just to have some basics that are the way I always thought they should be.

And yet, I know I will never have these things. There are relationships in my life that will never be what I want or need them to be. Never. No matter what I do. No matter how hard I try, I have relationships that I can't ever completely walk away from that will always be lacking and painful to me. And because of this, I will never be able to allow myself to believe that any future relationships will be good and right.

I am in a place of trying to accept my life the way it is. And if I can't be happy. Then maybe I can find contentment.


professor said...

I have, to a certain extent, felt this way too...but happiness comes from find and make your reality...your happiness can't be based on that I mean God gives us the relationships/things he feels we need...however I have also found that when he talks to us, and we don't listen he makes life very difficult...
in my opinion, if you are unhappy, and things aren't what you want them to be, reexamine and listen carefully to what God is trying to tell you...
and I'm all for self preservation...if the relationships are not working leave them...I'd rather be miserable by myself than surrounded with a bunch of folk who aren't helping and pulling me down further...
we cant chose our lives when we are little, but once you hit a certain age there is no excuse to be miserable...
take your kids, move to an undisclosed location and be free, happy and do you...
when I did me my life changed...I lost weight, and I'm not stressed and can actually say I'm happy and content with my life, with or without a man...
like I told a girlfriend who is fighting her sexuality, be you, cause at the end of the day everyone is happy but you...

The Bear Maiden said...

Yup, I agree, and you know I struggle with my own hell but one thing I am certain of is... I'd rather live in my own hell than someone else's. Meaning... if a person you have a relationship with... blood/child-in-common/friend has stuff they're walking with and it affects you and they are not doing anything to help themselves, it is not your responsibility to stay with them... even if you are related by blood/child-in-common/friend. Cut them loose. The Old Testatment says that each man dies for his own sins... and one way to interpret that is that you are responsible for making your own shit right. It's your duty. Cuz by the same token no-one should stay with you if you're not actively seeking to make yourself happy.

It took me a long long time to accept that. I dealt with TF for years, gritting my teeth, choking back screams, because once the Sun came along I felt strongly that he needed his dad... and I wanted a partnership, a family. And I also knew that TF had issues and demons he was fighting and I knew that a great portion of them were not his fault. And I felt so badly for him, watching him struggle. And I prayed so hard on his behalf. And I suffered, because since he was so unhappy our relationship was never going to work. And in the end I decided that he was at least partially responsible for getting himself out of hell... and he wouldn't. And finally, I cut him loose.

There's a Donny Hathaway song I recommend you listen to: "Giving Up Is Hard To do". Cuz sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

I also disagree that some people have it easy. That's why I write my blog; expose myself because I get email and comments when I do: "I thought I was the only one" or "me too!" And I fully believe that there is no earthly reason to continue a relationship that is not fulfilling a need. My new freind says there are 8 billion people in the world.. you're bound to cross paths with someone that's good for you, and you know, he's absolutely right. It might take some time... a whole lifetime... you may never even find them in this life. But there is no reason to stay someplace you're not happy.

But some people put blinders on and accept... and some people question. Some people just hide it better than others... but nobody gets off easy. And I think it's BS to "settle" for contentment. It's your right to be happy.

So go out there and find your bliss. Before you turn into your mother...

Fat Lady said...

You all couldn't deny being sisters if you wanted to!

Thanks to both of you for your perspective, but the world turns round in my head a little differently than it does in your.

For me, relationships, of any kind, don't ever end. They might change, or lie dormant, but they are still there and the effect and change me - sometimes for the better, sometimes...well, this whole blog post speaks to that.

My grandmother died when I was 11 years old. I still have a relationship with her, 34 years later.

My mother, even if I never speak to her another day in my life, will continue to have an impact on me until I stop drawing breath (which, with the cough that would never end, might be tonight - yeah, yeah, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow). One of the things that eats at me is the nature of my relationship with her and the fact that nothing I do will ever change it.

Keeping my distance from her is the healthiest thing for me, so it's what I do. But it doesn't change the fact that I don't have the mother/daughter relationship I want and need. There's a sadness that comes from that which I can't shake.

Same thing with the Bull. Well, not the same thing. There's problems there - but not like with my mother. He's not toxic to me. At least I don't think he is. I think I bring as much of my own crap to that. My own insecurities and idiosyncrasies and he and I are caught in a dance of not quite knowing what to do with each other sometimes. But there's something solid there.

It's not the relationship I always dreamed of. There are things missing or that are diminished which I crave. And I struggle with that. Struggle with the sadness of knowing I won't ever have the relationship I had in mind when I thought of spending my life with someone.

But if I left the Bull I still would never have that relationship. Even if I found another man who met all of the "criteria" it wouldn't matter because that relationship would be missing vital aspects that I can now only ever have with the Bull.

And you all know that once you have kids - in one way or another that man is in your life for the rest of your life. Lot's of people like to think it's only until your kid becomes an adult. But I'm here to say that person will keep popping up forever.

Ask my dad who was hiding out in his own backyard, dodging my crazy ass mother when she came to his Memorial Day cookout.

I know that people aren't always as happy as they appear. That everyone has issues. But the reality is that there really are people who have an easier time feeling happier or who have just an easier time with life in general. Every little thing feels like a struggle for me. Always has, and I suspect it always will. I try to find ways to get past that. But it's work. And sometimes I get tired.

And yes, happiness comes from within, but again, it's work trying to find happiness inside of me. I wish it were as easy as cutting people out of my life or moving somewhere else. But, like you said, it's not the people or the place that bring happiness. I just don't know where it comes from. If it's hiding inside of me somewhere - it's good at keeping itself elusive.

But then, I think I'm on a particular journey this year. One in which I am coming into myself. Finally accepting and taking care of and honoring me in ways I've never been able to before. So somewhere in that journey, maybe I'll discover happiness as well.

Elizabeth F. said...

I agree with you that relationships never end, esp with family. My mom, for instance, will always be my mother. She will always be a part of me. We went years without contact and there was a piece of myself missing. I was hurting more without her in my life so I decided to have contact with her again. I also feel cheated by life. I see other people and the wonderful relationships that they have with their family and mothers and I am jealous. I feel cheated and don't know why I got such a raw deal. It sucks, but I can't dwell on it daily. I've got children to raise and a better relationship with them to build.

All that to say, you are not alone.

Doulala said...

Hugs to you my friend. Listen to Exactly by Amy Stienberg (sp?). It always helps me when I'm feeling like this.

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

You know Julie, I read this post and thought ¨Hell I so can relate to this.¨ I have a very very hard time being happy, and when I´m in a good place I find myself half waiting for the shit to hit because it usually does. But you know after nine years of waiting and it not happening, I´m finding myself opening up a bit. Trying to be happy, and you know that is what feels like...trying hard, like work. Maybe it´s not much that some peopel have more happiness but rather they just don´t have to work so hard to feel it kwim?

Hugs to you girlfriend.

Oh and I agree about relationships. I find that relationships from years ago still haunt me...they shaped me after all, and it´s not so easy to let them go.

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

Beautiful post. I can definitely relate and have been blogging some about my own attempts to come to some peace with the crappy things in my past. I love your image of that moment before waking up, remembering that place before birth of love and warmth...I wish you deep moments of that in the now that is so very imperfect!